The funny thread

Literally. Unless it Should Go Elsewhere
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tom2681
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The funny thread

Unread postby tom2681 » 11 Mar 2005, 15:09

We need to laugh a little.

-------------------
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend." :evil:

'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out." :twisted:

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!" :D

------------------------------
A young woman walks into a bar on the top floor of the Empire State Building.

She sees a man who looks bored.
She comes up to him and says:
-Hey handsome, what are you drinking ?
-It's magic beer !
-Magic beer ?
-Sure it is, look...

He drinks the whole glass then goes up to the window, opens it and jumps.
He flies around the building like a bird for a few seconds and then comes back through the window.

She's astonished. Naturally, she asks:
-Wow ! Can I try it ?
-Sure, go ahead.

She drinks a whole glass, goes up to the window and jumps.
Then she falls and splatters her brains on the street.

Then the barman (who wasn't paying attention) turns to the guy and says:
-Hey Superman, you're mean when you're drunk ! :D

-----------------------------

Your turn :D
Last edited by tom2681 on 04 May 2006, 23:16, edited 2 times in total.
I used to be "the man who loves the movies you hate".
Now I'm just "that weird french guy with a cat avatar who comes to BnB once a year for no reason and then disappears again".

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Markgway
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Unread postby Markgway » 11 Mar 2005, 19:01

I'm sure this one's been told before, but anyways......


A woman walks into a butcher's shop to order a pound of mince. When the butcher asks if there will be anything else?

The woman asks: "Guess how old I am?"

The butcher says he doesn't know.

Woman: "Just guess!"

Butcher: "38?"

Woman, pleased as punch: "I'm 50 next week."

The Butcher compliments her as she leaves. Next the woman goes into the cake shop. After ordering three french pastries she asks the same question about her age.

Cake shop assistant: "39?"

Woman, beaming with pride: "I'll be 50 next week"

As she leaves the assistant compliments her. The woman goes into her third and final destination. A video store. She rents out a couple of discs then asks the question again.

"Hmm... hold on a moment" responds the assistant.

He gets out from behind the counter and puts his hands up the woman's jumper. She looks startled. He begins fondling her breasts. After about 30 seconds he puts his hands down her skirt and into her knickers. Again the woman doesn't know what to say. The assistant begins poking her holiest of holies.

When finished he says: "You're going to be 50 next week."

The woman is dumbstruck. "You could tell that by playing with my tits and fingering my pussy?"

The assistant responds: "Nah, I was behind you in the Butcher's."

:D

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Unread postby romerojpg » 11 Mar 2005, 19:31

Hello my names George :lol:

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Unread postby ICE-angel » 11 Mar 2005, 19:43

...
Last edited by ICE-angel on 10 Aug 2005, 21:26, edited 1 time in total.

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Unread postby grim_tales » 11 Mar 2005, 20:04

Mark,

:lol: Yeah I've heard that before, but its still funny.

:D

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Unread postby tom2681 » 11 Mar 2005, 21:58

I've heard that before


The next one is from me.
I don't recall posting it on the old Jokes' thread, so here goes:

-------------------------------------

Two blondes are standing on a bridge in China, they're arguing about something...

-I'm telling you, it's the yellow river !
-No, it's the YangTse !
-Yellow river !
-YangTse ! :evil:
-OK. Wait for me, I'll go and check it out.

She jumps, falls from a few hundred feet and disappears into the fog.
An hour later, she's back on the bridge. But she's limping and her face is covered with blood.
Surprised, the other blonde asks:

-So ?
-It's the highway. :D

-------------------------
I used to be "the man who loves the movies you hate".
Now I'm just "that weird french guy with a cat avatar who comes to BnB once a year for no reason and then disappears again".

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Unread postby BiscLimpkit » 16 Mar 2005, 00:37

Read this on theDVDF:


A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"


"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
Image

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tom2681
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Unread postby tom2681 » 16 Mar 2005, 02:28

Poor blondes ! :lol:

----------------------------------
Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven. :D
----------------------------------

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
------------------------------------

A blonde decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her new fishing rod. She got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her destination, she cut a hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and says:

"Who's talking to me ?" asks the blonde.
and the voice answers:
"The owner of this hockey rink. " :lol:
I used to be "the man who loves the movies you hate".
Now I'm just "that weird french guy with a cat avatar who comes to BnB once a year for no reason and then disappears again".

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Unrealnils
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Unread postby Unrealnils » 16 Mar 2005, 22:07

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he
spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary
man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father
will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with
Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!


Jack was about to marry Jill and his Father took him to one side.

"When I married your Mother,the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers" he said." I gave them to your Mother and told her to put them on."

When she did,they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them as they were too large.

"I told her,of course they were too big.I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.Since that day,we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his Father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding,he did the same thing; he took off his trousers,gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them."Exactly" replied Jack,"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will.I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.

"Try these on." she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly,"replied Jill."And if you don't change your ****king attitude, you never will."



Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please

Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.

Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?

Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same , Cancer scare

Customer: Hamburger Relish?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Sausage and Mash?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Cottage Pie?

Shopkeeper: Yes, ..no wait, Cancer scare.

Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?

Shopkeeper: Yes

Customer: (sigh) Just give me a packet of fags then.

Shopkeeper: Certainly. £4.50 please.

Customer: Thanks !!
Constantly M.I.A

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grim_tales
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Unread postby grim_tales » 27 Mar 2005, 11:32

'The last time I went on holiday, I flew with BA.

It was terrible. He kept shouting "You crazy foo'. I ain't gettin' on no plane!"

:D

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Unread postby grim_tales » 01 Apr 2005, 13:44

This was on another forum, you've probably seen it already but still funny:

ORIGINAL ENDING: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

A furious light sabre duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks round, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

DARTH VADER: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."


LUKE: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"


DARTH VADER: "No! I am your father!"

LUKE: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."

DARTH VADER: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

LUKE: "NO!"

DARTH VADER: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know thatbrass droid of yours?"

LUKE: "Threepio?"

DARTH VADER: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."

LUKE: "No."

DARTH VADER: "Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself,nohand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of theswamp."

LUKE: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"

DARTH VADER: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedlydestroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"

LUKE: "Well, it's not my fault."

DARTH VADER: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what Iwanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith.. waahhh wahhh!'"

LUKE: "Shut up."

DARTH VADER: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"

LUKE: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"

DARTH VADER: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of theBoonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!"

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.

DARTH VADER: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose youare, but you sure ain't mine."

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks down after him.

DARTH VADER: "And get a haircut!"

:mrgreen:

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degeneration
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Unread postby degeneration » 01 Apr 2005, 13:51

I like that!!! Made me giggle!

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Unread postby thelostdragon » 01 Apr 2005, 14:24

Awesome!!!
Image

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Mordib
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Unread postby Mordib » 16 Apr 2005, 20:49

not really a joke but still...

Image

:D
Image

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grim_tales
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Unread postby grim_tales » 17 Apr 2005, 09:50

:mrgreen:

Another Star Wars ending:

Darth Vader: Know this Luke.. *cough* *wheeze*... Luke.. I am not your father.

Luke: Phew!

Darth Vader: I am................. your mother.

Luke: D'oh! :roll:

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grim_tales
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Unread postby grim_tales » 25 Jul 2005, 12:42

Here's one - though this could easily be turned into an "Irish" joke (no offence meant) :wink:

Two blondes are watching a John Wayne movie. In one scene John Wayne is riding towards a cliff.
"I bet you £10 he falls over the cliff" says the first blonde to her friend.
"Done" says the second.
John Wayne rode straight over the cliff. As the 2nd blonde hands over the £10 the first said "I feel a bit guilty about this, you know, I've seen this movie before".
"So have I" responds the second, but I didnt think the poor sod would make the same mistake twice!"

:wink:

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Unread postby tom2681 » 09 Oct 2005, 14:37

Five minutes ago, I told my girlfriend:

"Let's watch The Last Samurai tonight".
She answered:
"I can't. I haven't seen the first yet."

:D

------------

Here is some of my best work (taken from the Voilà chatrooms and translated from french):

-How do you decompress a .sit file ?
Me -Get a Jedi...

-How many do you have in your house ?
Me -102...Me and my 101 dalmatians...
-No, I meant for real.
Me -102.
-OK, if you don't wanna talk, forget it.
Me -No, for real we're 8.
-OK. Thanks for being honest.
Me -Me and the seven dwarfs.

I'd love to have a girl in my house whose name doesn't end in .jpg

I didn't know what nickname to pick...
...So I picked "Penis".
...They said it was too short !!!
Last edited by tom2681 on 09 Oct 2005, 14:47, edited 1 time in total.
I used to be "the man who loves the movies you hate".
Now I'm just "that weird french guy with a cat avatar who comes to BnB once a year for no reason and then disappears again".

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grim_tales
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Unread postby grim_tales » 09 Oct 2005, 14:44

:lol:

As told by the great Ronnie Barker:

A man goes to the doctor. He says "I have a problem. My wife and I no longer get any pleasure out of sex".
"How old are you?" asks the doctor. The man says "I'm 79, she's 81"
"79 and 81, and you're not getting any pleasure out of sex any more?!" the doctor says. When did you first notice this?"

The man says "Twice last night and then again this morning..."

:wink:

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tom2681
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Unread postby tom2681 » 09 Oct 2005, 15:15

:lol:

Yesterday I was talking philosophy with my little sister:

Her - Can you tell me why aftershave looks, feels and tastes like sperm ?
Me - Ahem, taste ?
Her - Well...
Me - Care to explain that one ?

More from the Voilà chatrooms:

Me - Do you want to f**k ?
Girl - Never on Sunday.
Me - Cool, it's Monday.
Girl - SHIT !!

Guy - What does JLYP mean ?
Me - Just Like your penis.
Guy - Ah, I see. It's short.
Me - JLYP. :D

User1 - Can you tell me how to change my nick ?
Me - how to change my nick
User2 - how to change my nick
User3 - how to change my nick
User1 - What ? I don't get it.
User2 - how to change my nick
I used to be "the man who loves the movies you hate".
Now I'm just "that weird french guy with a cat avatar who comes to BnB once a year for no reason and then disappears again".

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grim_tales
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Unread postby grim_tales » 09 Oct 2005, 15:21

LMFAO :lol:

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tom2681
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Unread postby tom2681 » 09 Oct 2005, 15:39

Thanks.
I'm in a special mood.
You know... The one where you have to make fun of everything and you don't even know why. :D



Last week I had to babysit my little sister while she was having a slumber party with her girlfriends.
The next morning everybody in the street was looking at me like I was a freak.
Took me 10 hours to realize that those damn bitches had drawn a penis on my cheek while I was sleeping.


Voilà and other chatrooms:

Me - Are you a girl ?
User1 - No.
Me - Are you a guy ?
User1 - ......

User1 - Do you snig that song ?
Me - What ?
User1 - Sign
User1 - Sgin
User1 - shit
User1 - sing ?
Me - Sing what ?
User1 - that snog ?

User1 - Tom, do you know anything about Java ?
AnnoyingUser2 - Can I help ?
Me - You can help by pressing Alt+F4.
*AnnoyingUser2 has quit IRC
User1 - Tom, you are a god.
I used to be "the man who loves the movies you hate".
Now I'm just "that weird french guy with a cat avatar who comes to BnB once a year for no reason and then disappears again".

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Unread postby thelostdragon » 09 Oct 2005, 15:50

Tom2681 wrote:User1 - Tom, do you know anything about Java ?
AnnoyingUser2 - Can I help ?
Me - You can help by pressing Alt+F4.
*AnnoyingUser2 has quit IRC
User1 - Tom, you are a god.

LOOOOOL!
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grim_tales
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Unread postby grim_tales » 09 Oct 2005, 16:19

Tom2681 wrote:Last week I had to babysit my little sister while she was having a slumber party with her girlfriends.
The next morning everybody in the street was looking at me like I was a freak.
Took me 10 hours to realize that those damn bitches had drawn a penis on my cheek while I was sleeping.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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tom2681
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Unread postby tom2681 » 09 Oct 2005, 16:27

Last batch of quality stuff from the chatrooms: :D

Me - Can you translate something into german for me ?
Girl - Sure, tell me.
Me - Thank you. No words can express how much I love you.
Girl - Wow...errm... I don't know what to say, Tom...
Me - No, that's the stuff I want you to translate.

*I'm sending a file to a friend via IRC*
Me - Damn ! Did you see how fast that uploading went ? Over 10 megabytes per second ! damn that's fast !
Friend - Errm... I don't see squat.
Me - Ah shit, I sent it to myself. No wonder it was so fast.

Me - I love FF...
User1 - Firefox ?
User2 - Final Fantasy ?
User3 - Fist f*cking ?
Me - Frank Finatra.

User1 - OK, I need to know. Who is this "LOL" guy ?
Me - LOL !
User2 - LOL !
User1 - See. Here they go again. Where is this LOL ?

Matrix is bullshit...
Anybody can bend a spoon...
With solid vanilla ice-cream.

User1 - What is .psd ?
Me - Photoshop files.
User1 - I see. What program do you open them with ?
Me - ......

*People who aren't logged in are all named "guest" *
Guest - Hi guys.
User1 - F*ck you.
Me - What's the matter ?
User1 - He insulted me yesterday.
Me - Who did ?
User1 - This "guest" guy.

:wink:

*Browsing the chatrooms looking for more people to make fun of*
I used to be "the man who loves the movies you hate".
Now I'm just "that weird french guy with a cat avatar who comes to BnB once a year for no reason and then disappears again".

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Unread postby grim_tales » 09 Oct 2005, 16:58

:D


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