The funny thread

tom2681 · Post by **tom2681** » 07 Apr 2006, 03:40

Lately I've been trying to get some extra cash by working for my father.
For the last two weeks I've been handling the computer hotline:

Customer - Hello ?
Me - Hello, how may I help you ?
C - It doesn't work.
M - What doesn't work ?
C - The computer you sold me.
M - What do you mean it doesn't work ?
C - I mean it doesn't work.
M - OK...What happens when you turn it on ?
C - Nothing, it's all black.
M - Did you plug it correctly ?
C - Hey I'm a plumber, not an electrician.

M - OK, let's take it one step at a time. What's on the screen ?
C - A flower vase.
M - No, I didn't mean "above" the screen, I meant "what's written on it" ?
C - Toshiba.
M - This is gonna be a long night...

M - OK, first... Click on "Workstation".
C - What ?
M - Click on the "Workstation" icon.
C - But I don't have a workstation, I'm unemployed.
M - Sigh...

C - It says "Incorrect password".
M - OK, close the window first.
C - .... How did you know my bedroom window was open ? Can you SEE ME ??

M - OK, I just got a call from Wanadoo. I've received your son's password.
C - Hold on, I'll get a pen... Go ahead.
M - I-H-A-T-E-M-Y-D-A-D-D-Y
C - I'm gonna kill that kid...

C - My Nescafé doesn't work.
M - Errm... Sorry, but we're into computers here... not coffee.
C - No, I'm talking about the thing that makes you surf the web...
M - ....Netscape ?
C - YES ! Nescape !

tom2681 · Post by **tom2681** » 07 Apr 2006, 04:05

Just remembered some more hotline stuff

:

Me - OK, can you make a list of what's on your desktop ?
Customer - Sure. There's the computer, the monitor, the keyboard, the mouse, the speakers, a pen and a pack of Hollywood Chewing-gum. Why do you ask ?
M - I wonder...

C - My girlfriend's computer doesn't work anymore.
M - What kind ?
C - A 20-year old blonde, why ?

C - But the guy at the mall told me it was a great computer. He told me I could do anything with it.
M - Sorry, but you can't play modern games without a videocard. Sorry sir, you got conned.
C - Right, where's my axe ? Watch the news tonight, kid. If you hear something about a computer salesman being axe-murdered, you'll know who did it.
M - ...O-Kay...

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 07 Apr 2006, 12:15

bradavon · Post by **bradavon** » 07 Apr 2006, 12:21

Tom2681 wrote:Have you guys ever seen a 500€ banknote ?
If not, here's what you're missing:

WOW!

No I've heard about them but have never actually seen one.

I have a £50 note (also very rare) with Kylie on it, which I believe is actually very illegal as only the Crown (or something) can make bank notes. Ooops!

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 07 Apr 2006, 12:28

Thats got to be a mock up surely?
I had a £50 note once, cant remember who was on it though

tom2681 · Post by **tom2681** » 08 Apr 2006, 23:08

Some fresh stuff from the hotline:

Customer - I installed your "Netprotect" program and now I can't surf the web.
Me - Weird. Netprotect is only supposed to block a limited number of sites.
Can you access any other webpages ?
C - Nope. I tried all my bookmarks. The only website that works is wanadoo.fr
I told my wife she shouldn't have bought this firewall.
M - But it's not a firewall. it's an "internet parental lock".
C - A what ?
M - It prevents you from visiting porn sites.
*silence*
M - Sir ?
C - Hold on a second. I need to kill that bitch.

C - Nope, I still got no sound.
M - The driver must have disappeared, then.
C - What do you mean, disappeared ? I can see him from here, he's washing the Porsche in the front yard.
Me - SOUND CARD driver, sir...Sound card.
C - You've lost me there.

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 17 Apr 2006, 12:59

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Granny
Granny who?
Granny
Granny who?
Granny
Granny who?
Granny
Granny who?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aunt
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Granny's gone

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 30 Apr 2006, 21:27

What, Exactly, Are Cats?

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 01 May 2006, 11:08

A white horse walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and the barman says "Do you know that in this town there is a pub named after you"
The horse looks confused and says "I didnt know there was a pub called Gordon"

A horse walks up to Ruud Van Nistelrooy and says "Why the long face?"

BiscLimpkit · Post by **BiscLimpkit** » 01 May 2006, 11:16

Hehehe very good Grim.

tom2681 · Post by **tom2681** » 03 May 2006, 02:29

Some fresh chatroom stuff:

User1 - Hi, I'm David. And you ?
Me - I'm not.
#Tom2681 has left the IRC channel

Me - I need a pickup line that's better than a joke, and fast.
User1 - Why ?
Me - Well...you know the saying "If a girl is laughing, it means she already has a foot in your bed"
User1 - Yeah ?
Me - I'm still working on the other foot.

User1 - I don't know why, but I don't get spam in my e-mail anymore.
Me - Yeah, they remove you from the spamming list right after you've agreed to purchase a large quantity of penis enlargement pills.
User1 - Hey... How did you know I... No, never mind.

Smallpenisbuthugebandwidth - OK, I'm downloading now.
Me - Is that your huge bandwidth ?
Me - 3.07 kbits/s ?
Me - Never thought I'd say this one day, but I'm a little worried about your penis...
Smallpenisbuthugebandwidth - Bastard.

User1 - "Error, input data buffer too small".
Me - You sound like my girlfriend.

Re: the Reservoir Dogs argument ( https://www.bulletsnbabesdvd.com/forums/ ... php?t=1838 )

tom2681 · Post by **tom2681** » 04 May 2006, 23:14

Incredible Kung-Fu Mission (1982) has been released on DVD in France by Prism under its french title "Shaolin D'Acier" (Iron Shaolin).

Notice anything weird about the cover ?

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 05 May 2006, 13:05

Brilliant!

Yi-Long · Post by **Yi-Long** » 05 May 2006, 13:27

Wow... and I though HKL's coverartists were bad...

tom2681 · Post by **tom2681** » 17 May 2006, 00:00

On a math exam today:

Question:
"Please solve the following equation.
Note: you cannot use your calculator !"

My answer:
"How do you know my batteries are dead ?".

I don't really need maths, so that's OK.

Markgway · Post by **Markgway** » 17 May 2006, 03:01

That cover even has the Iron Monkey credits! How lazy is that???

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 17 May 2006, 14:57

LOL I didnt notice that. Can HKL sue?

tom2681 · Post by **tom2681** » 17 May 2006, 15:47

For a cover ? Nah, pointless...

thelostdragon · Post by **thelostdragon** » 17 May 2006, 15:59

It even has pictures from "Iron Monkey" on the backside.

Markgway · Post by **Markgway** » 17 May 2006, 19:07

Mind you, if I were trying to flog Incredible Kung Fu Mission I'd wanna pretend it was Iron Monkey too!

EvaUnit02 · Post by **EvaUnit02** » 18 May 2006, 13:57

There's an Indian Dairy clerk, the only English he knows is "Two Dollars Fifty", "Maybe yes, maybe no" and "If you don't, somebody else will".

A Customer walks in and after some browsing he comes to the counter with an bag of crisps. "How much are these crisps?" he asks.
"Two Dollars Fifty" replies the clerk.
"Should I buy them?"
"Maybe yes, maybe no."
"What if I don't?"
"If you don't, somebody else will".

Another customer walks in and approaches the counter. He asks "How much is a lotto ticket?"
"Two Dollars Fifty" replies the clerk.
"There's a jackpot this week, do you reckon my chances are good?"
"Maybe yes, maybe no."
"What if I don't win?"
"If you don't, somebody else will".

Suddenly a masker robber bursts into the dairy and shoves a gun into clerk's face.
He shouts "All your cash in the bag now!"
"Two Dollars Fifty" replies the clerk.
The robber looks annoyed, "Are you trying to take the mickey out of me?!"
"Maybe yes, maybe no."
The robber is furious at this stage and shoves the gun to the clerk's temple. "Do you want me to fucking blow your brains out?!"
"If you don't, somebody else will".

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 18 May 2006, 16:40

Very good!

tom2681 · Post by **tom2681** » 23 May 2006, 23:07

So true...

thelostdragon · Post by **thelostdragon** » 24 May 2006, 08:12

A car I recently saw and just had to take a picture of:

Shen · Post by **Shen** » 24 May 2006, 10:48